This Deep Black Dress...

There is this deep black dress that hangs in my closet. It goes down to the middle of my shins. It’s short-sleeved and stretchy, ribbed fabric. This dress is only worn on occasion, but it is the reason I question every day if God exists.

I’ve been Catholic my whole life. I was baptized two months after I was born. Three years later, I started preschool at St. Michael the Archangel Catholic Grade School where I spent the next eleven years. There, I received my First Reconciliation, First Communion, and Confirmation. After graduating eighth grade, I decided to attend Saint Thomas Aquinas Catholic High School. I went to church, said the prayers, and went through the motions.

My faith life wasn't amazing, but it was good enough. God was easy to believe in because my life was good.

This all changed in November of 2024 when my uncle was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor. Shortly after, my Nanie was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, the same thing that my papa had died from ten years before. When this happened, the first thing to go was my faith. I was so angry with God that I stopped believing altogether. Why did he choose MY uncle? Why did he choose MY Nanie? Why did he choose MY mom to lose her brother-in-law and her mother? Most importantly, why did God create such a terrible sickness if everything He made was “good”?

When my uncle died the week before Easter, I was completely done with God. I begged my mom not to make me go to church on Easter because God had let me down. I hated where I was and hated my faith. Then, my Nanie passed away. This was the hardest experience I had ever gone through. The person who was always there waiting for me was now waiting for me in a paradise of which I couldn't meet her. I felt like I was drowning. I never wanted to enter a church or have any other encounter with God again. However, in the upcoming months, I wouldn't have a choice. My mom signed me up for a retreat through Aquinas called Kairos.

Each year, seniors at Aquinas are encouraged to attend a Kairos retreat which is intended to help students deepen their relationship with God. Everyone who went before me said it was life-changing, but considering my nonexistent belief in God, I was pretty hopeless. However, I learned quickly that God hadn't abandoned me like I thought. I saw this through the many times I encountered Him on the retreat, through my peers and team leaders. Later, we each had an opportunity to talk about where we were with our faith, and I was honest about where I was and my situation.

Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.

Vicki Harrison

This retreat was possibly the best thing I could have done for myself. Walking out of Kairos, I felt lighter. There were so many God-moments I experienced in those few days - the most pivotal was coming to know that God is real. I realized God didn't take away Nanie or my uncle; instead, He gave me seventeen years with them. My relationship with God isn’t perfect, but I learned to have faith, even through my grief. And while my relationship with God needs work, I’m willing to put in that work because through Kairos, I learned to swim.

There’s this deep black dress that hangs in my closet. It goes down to the middle of my shins. It’s short-sleeved and stretchy, ribbed fabric. This dress is only worn on occasion, AND it is the reason I found my faith in God again. 

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Guest Contributor,  Sophia Corley, '26

Sophia Corley is a senior who actively participates in her school. She is a member of the National Honor Society, German NHS, a peer mentor, and a Saints Ambassador. In addition to this, she is on the Saint Thomas Aquinas dance team. Sophia loves spending time with her friends and family, traveling, and staying active.

This piece was written as an assignment in Mr. Lee's English class.